Thank You and Best Regards

Disclaimer: Dates and last names have been removed to protect the privacy of those included. The author intends no disrespect to any of the included companies and writes strictly for the purpose of entertainment.

Introduction

 To: Reader
From: Taylor

Hello!

Let me begin by saying, thank you for embarking on this journey. This endeavor has been a true labor of love and is something that I have been working on since high school (and, yes, your soon-to-be-formed assumptions that I was not cool in high school are 100 percent correct).

What you are about to read is a collection of e-mails between myself and a number of well-known outfits. The idea was to ask random, goofy questions and see what kind of responses they warranted. This began as something that I did for myself out of boredom and then became something that I would share with family and close friends.

This collection is not only something that is very near and dear to my heart but also something that I now want to share with people in order to make them laugh. Whether the laughing is at the actual jokes or at my expense is completely up to you.

My hope is that you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Thank you and best regards,
Taylor Leddin

 

Chapter 1: Get A Life (Coach)

To: Life Coach Inc.
From: Taylor

Hello,

Lately I’ve been feeling a little conflicted about which path I would like to take in life and I was hoping you could help me.

My whole life (despite when I was three and wanted to be a tree) I’ve wanted to act or do something in the film industry, however I know that is extremely difficult.

On the other hand I have recently started to enjoy creating board games. This not only let’s me use mental creativity, but it also lets my artistic side flow. But I have no idea of how to get into that type of business. Milton Bradley seems to be doing okay they probably don’t need my help.

So what advice would you give to someone like me? Should I follow my life long dream or take a somewhat easier approach?

Your input is greatly appreciated.

Best regards,

Taylor

  1. Do you have any idea what an annual income for a Board Game Maker would be?

_____________ 

To: Taylor
From: Life Coach Inc.

Taylor-

Thanks for the e-mail, and the great question!

I find that this question comes up for many of us in our lives.  I find that often times we get in our own way when it comes to pursuing our dreams.  We often come up with all sorts of “reasons” that we can’t be successful with what we want to pursue.

For example, you mention how difficult it would be to get into the film industry, as well as how Milton Bradley doesn’t need your help!  (By the way, how do you know that?  Have you talked to them about it?)

Having said that, my advice to you is to do some more investigation on what it would take to pursue creating a board game.  If you have some good ideas on this, why not build a prototype and try it out on your friends and family?  Maybe through some research you can find someone to help you market your idea.

Only you can answer the question about following your dreams, or taking the “easier approach”, as you put it.  However, if you are interested in exploring this with me, I do offer a complimentary coaching session, where we can do a little exploring together to see where this might take you.

Please let me know your thoughts!

Thanks!

Tom

______

To: Life Coach Inc.
From: Taylor

Thank you for your help but as luck would have it I just got a call back from Six Flags promising me a job on the “clean up committee”, that’s what I call it anyway. And they told me whatever I find on the ground I keep, so I’m hoping people drop a lot of cash 🙂

I appreciate your time.

Thank you and best regards,

Taylor

 

Chapter 2: Swims With Dolphins

To: Monetary Bay Aquarium 

From: Taylor

Hello,

Let me start off by saying that I am a huge dolphin fan, (I’m even a fan of the Miami Dolphins because they represent my favorite animal) and I have always wanted one of my own. Every month I receive Dolphin Magazine, so I know how to take care of this beautiful creature.

The reason I am emailing you is to ask how much it would cost to purchase one of your dolphins. My only concern is compatibility. Would it be possible for me to come in and swim around with a dolphin to see how we would get along?

Regards,

Taylor

________________

To: Taylor

From: Monetary Bay Aquarium 

Dear Taylor,

Thank you for your interest in the Monterey Bay Aquarium.

We appreciate your interest in dolphins. However, we don’t have any on exhibit within the Aquarium, nor do we sell animals of any kind.

You can, however, frequently view dolphins off the back deck of the Aquarium, in the wild!

Thank you,

Geoff

Monterey Bay Aquarium

 

Chapter 3: My Dog, the Model 

To: Wrigley Candy Corporation

From: Taylor

Hello!

First off, I’d like to say that I LOVE your products. Everything from gum, to Starbursts, to Skittles – everything you do in on par. With that being said, it is plain to see that I am a fan of your company. Therefore I feel I owe it to you to offer this opportunity.

I have a nine-year old Shih Tzu named Wrigley who has an amazing personality. He is friendly, kind, and calm. This is how I would describe your products. Earlier this evening I was enjoying a Starburst and I looked down and saw Wrigley staring up at me, then it finally clicked. Wrigley would make an AMAZING mascot for your company! He is not only great with people but he also photographs well (photos available upon request).

As I said, I would like to offer you the rights to Wrigley’s photos to use him for a mascot and for advertisement. Nothing catches a person’s attention like an adorable dog, and the name is just a perfect fit. This just came to my mind this evening, but I pictured a billboard with Wrigley lying down surrounded by Starbursts wrappers and the caption reads “Even Wrigley Can’t Keep His Paws Off Of Wrigley’s”. Just a thought, I’m a novice in the realm of advertisement. Please let me know your thoughts on this!

Thank you and best regards,

Taylor Leddin

__________________

To: Taylor

From: Wrigley Candy Corporation

Dear Taylor,

Thank you for thinking of the Wm. Wrigley Jr. Company and contacting us with your proposal.  We are always happy to hear from our consumers and truly value your suggestions.

As you can imagine, we receive numerous product concepts and business propositions everyday.  So, while we truly appreciate your interest in our products and brands,  our long-standing practice is not to accept advertising suggestions from outside our own organization or the advertising agencies we employ.  However, if you are still interested in sharing your ideas, you may contact our advertising agency to request information about their policy for accepting suggestions.  You may write or call:

We hope this information has been helpful.  If you have any additional questions or comments please feel free to contact us at 1-800-WRIGLEY Monday through Friday from 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. CST.

Sincerely,

Tammy

Consumer Care Representative 

Chapter 4: James Cameron Lied to Me?

ToScience Museum of Minnesota

From: Taylor

Hi there,

While visiting your website, I noticed that your museum was holding a Titanic Exhibit. I love Titanic, it’s one of my all-time favorite movies.

Which brings me to my point, if I were to visit your exhibit- would there be a Jack and Rose memorial? I think Jack deserves a little recognition because he died in that cold water and it makes me cry each time. When I was told that the Titanic was real, it made me even more sad that he had to endure that.

Thank you for taking the time to review my question.

Regards,

Taylor

__________________

To: Taylor

From: Science Museum of Minnesota

Dear Taylor,

Thank you for your email. The “Titanic” exhibition is no longer at the Science Museum of Minnesota, as it closed here on January 24. The exhibition featured over 200 artifacts retrieved from the ship, reproductions of first and third class cabins, and a cast of actors portraying actual crew members. Since the characters to which you refer are fictional, there was nothing relating to them in this historical exhibition.

If you are interested in more information about the “Titanic” exhibition and its current locations, you may visit their website athttp://www.rmstitanic.net/ . I hope this helps. Let us know if you have any other questions concerns.

Sincerely,

Jeff

Reservations Department

Science Museum of Minnesota

_____________________

ToScience Museum of Minnesota

From: Taylor

Thank you for your reply but, are you sure Jack and Rose are fictional?

 

Chapter 5: Ben Loves Jerry 

To: BenandJerry.com

From: Taylor

I love your product and it’s always a treat when I get a pint of B&J’s, my personal favorite is Strawberry Cheesecake.

For my English class I have to do a paper on a well-known inventor, and I decided to choose Ben and Jerry’s because I love ice cream. So, I was wondering if you could help me out with some background information.

Now, this may sound like an odd question- but were Ben and Jerry romantically involved or were they just friends? My teacher says I need EVERY detail for my paper so I need as much material as I can get.

Thank you very much for your time.

Regards,

Taylor.

__________________________

This e-mail never warranted a human response.

 

Chapter 6: Show Me The Money

To: The Money Factory

From: Taylor

Hello,

Recently I’ve started to put together a list of various achievements I would like to accomplish in my life. I suppose you could refer to it as a bucket list, but that seems too “final”. I digress. On that list is “publish a book” and “find out what it takes to get my photo on a dollar bill”. Although most of the faces on our currency are of past Presidents, with the exception of the great Ben(jamin) Franklin, I have never been President of the United States. (I have, however, been the President of a Michael J. Fox Fan Club, what a trip that was!)

If ever there is a new dollar bill made, I would love to be in the running for the so-called “new face”. Its about time for the first woman to grace the cover of a dollar bill. If you need more convincing of why I would be the perfect candidate, below is a list of reasons that I should be selected:

-I have been in my local newspaper over 4 times in the course of 6 years (I don’t personally know any other people who can say that)

-In 2005 I became an ordained minister (although I have never actually performed a wedding ceremony, I have renewed various vows)

-I have a very extensive autograph collection which always makes for an interesting story

-I have been told I look like a cross between Farrah Fawcett and Demi Moore

-My name is derived from a tailor which was a high-held position when this wonderful country first started

If that doesn’t convince you, I’m sure I could come up with some other great facts!

I’m excited to hear your thoughts.

Thank you and best regards,

Taylor

  1. Any suggestions of what I should add to my lifetime list? I just checked off indoor sky-diving. I would highly recommend it, it made me feel young again!

______________________________________________

To: Taylor

From: The Money Factory

Mr. Taylor:

Under Title 12 of the United States Code (Section 418), the Secretary of the Treasury is responsible for the selection of the designs, both obverse and reverse, which appear on U.S. (paper) currency.  Furthermore, Section 5114(b) of Title 31, United States Code provides, in pertinent part, that “only the portrait of a deceased individual may appear on United States currency and securities.”  The Secretary has not indicated at this time that he plans to change the portraits on this Nation’s paper currency, nor has legislation been enacted to allow the portrait of any living person, to appear on this Nation’s paper currency.

Thank you,

BEP

Moneyfactory.gov

 

Chapter 7: The Age-Old Question: The Union or the Confederacy? 

To: Museum of the Confederacy

From: Taylor

I live in the North and was taught that the Union won the Civil War, however, I once watched an episode of Family Guy which stated that the Confederacy won the Civil War. As you would imagine I was terribly confused by what was fact and what was fiction. I was hoping you could guide me in the direction as to what really happened.

Regards,

Taylor

PS I think my history teacher might be crazy so I’ll trust your judgment.

______

To: Taylor

From: Museum of the Confederacy

Taylor,

Thanks for your inquiry. There is indeed much confusion on this issue.

In fact, the North did win the Civil War. Unfortunately just after the war, during what is known as the Lost Cause movement, southerners begin spreading the misinformation that indeed, they had won the conflict then known as “The Late Unpleasantness”. Many people, even today, believe

this and continue to spread this misinformation along with other thingslike the war was about states rights and not slavery.

Fortunately for us, more books have been written on the Civil War by good, competent historians than any other conflict in history save the Biafran Conflict. Perhaps the writers of the Family Guy should look at one of these. And then again perhaps they are joking with their audience. I will always recommend that reading good books is the best place to learn history. Thanks again for your inquiry.

Sincerely,

Visitor Services Supervisor

Museum of the Confederacy

Chapter 8: Workin’ at the Car Wash

To: Gas City

From: Taylor

Hello,

My family uses your gas station quite frequently and the other day we were getting our car washed in your very car wash.

As I sat there I thought, it would be really cool if inside the car wash had a radio that blasted the song “Car Wash” each time you went into the station. It would make the experience more fun and it would keep customers coming back.

______

To: Taylor
From: Gas City

Taylor,

Thank you for your email and for sharing your thoughts with us.

Please send your address, we would like to send you a gift certificate.

Roseann

Gas City Ltd.,

_____

To: Gas City
From: Taylor Leddin

Sorry it took me so long to reply to this. I’ve been on quite the sabbatical. The amount of emails I’ve received since I’ve been gone is overwhelming and I’m doing my best to work through it. But to answer your email, a gift certificate would be fantastic! The address is…

Chapter 9: One Dork’s Trash…

To: Yard Sale Queen
From: Taylor

Hello,

I’m having my first ever garage sale (well technically it’s not so much a “garage” sale as it is cleaning out my apartment so I can move into my new house) this summer. So, being that I’m new to the whole process, I was hoping you could help me answer a few questions on how I should price things. According to my landlord, $17 for a used frying pan is too much. Below, I’ve compiled a list of items that I could use an experts opinion of pricing on.

-Used frying pan (still in great condition, I don’t really cook much)

-100 (actually 89) piece puzzle of Tony Danza

-a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon book (great condition)

-two Aerosmith CDs (one is missing the case, but no scratches)

-a beer pong baseball cap that has a bottle opener on the bill (only worn twice)

-an autograph from John Travolta (I have about 12 of them so I could spare one, I consider this item as my attention getter: I might even auction it)

-a slingshot from Six Flags Great America

-some old novels (how much for each, do you think?)

-a cardboard cut out of Greg Kinnear (between you and me- I would have no problem of giving that away for free)

Thank you so much for your help!

______

To: Taylor
From: Yard Sale Queen

Hi Taylor,

Giving pricing advice is difficult since I can’t see the items. My responses are in bold.

Used frying pan (still in great condition, I don’t really cook much) –

yes, $17 is too much for a frying pan.  People want bargains at a yardsale so not seeing it or knowing what brand name it is, I would say $5.

-100 (actually 89) piece puzzle of Tony Danza  – if its missing pieces no one will want it

-a Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon book (great condition) – $1 

-two Aerosmith CDs (one is missing the case, but no scratches)  CDs – $1 or $2 each

-a beer pong baseball cap that has a bottle opener on the bill (only worn twice) – $5

-an autograph from John Travolta (I have about 12 of them so I could spare one, I consider this item as my attention getter: I might even auction it) – I checked ebay and some were as low as $10 with no bids but others sold for +$100 – depending on what was autographed

-a slingshot from Six Flags Great America – $2

-some old novels (how much for each, do you think?) – hardcover books $1, paperback books .50

-a cardboard cut out of Greg Kinnear (between you and me- I would have no problem of giving that away for free) –  I think Greg Kinnear is great – he used to have a late night talk show and I went to a taping of it once.

Good luck.

_______

To: Yard Sale Queen

From: Taylor

Thank you very much for your help.

And also I was not aware Greg Kinnear had a talk show, that is very cool you attended a taping. My remark about “giving the cutout away for free” wasn’t anything against him, just for the record.

Chapter 10: Forever Young

To: Forever 21
From: Taylor

To Whom This May Concern:

So, funny story. Not your traditional HAHA funny, more like “this-is-pretty-crazy-funny”. Last Sunday I purchased some silver rings from your store. On Tuesday night I never took them off before bed (which I usually do) and I feel asleep during a Back to the Future marathon (I just love Michael J Fox). Anyway, on Wednesday I was quite alarmed when I woke up and my finger had turned green. This has never happened to me before. I tried to wash it off but it’s still here. Will this require medical treatment? If so, will the company cover the expenses? I never saw a warning label for this. I’m normally not the type of person to expect something (in this case money) from someone, but I’m really worried!!! Any insight would be much appreciated.

Regards,

Taylor

________

To: Taylor

From: Forever 21

Dear Taylor,

Thank you for emailing us with your concern.

Please provide us with the state and name of shopping center of our Forever 21 location so we can further assist you.

We sincerely apologize for any inconvenience.

Thank you for choosing Forever 21.

Sincerely,

Vanessa

Forever 21 – Customer Service

_____

To: Forever 21
From: Taylor

Thank you for your response.

I’m not trying to place the blame on any certain store. I just wanted to get some insight on whether or not a ring turning a finger green is normal.

P.S. Do you have to be 21 to shop at your store? Is that maybe why this is happening to me?

______

To: Taylor
From: Forever 21

Dear Taylor,

Thank you for emailing us with your concern.

We apologize for the inconvenience. You absolutely do not have to be 21 to shop at our store. We welcome customers of all ages and we look forward to having you visit one of our stores.

Sincerely,

Forever 21 – Customer Service

Chapter 11: Well, the REO Speedwagon is A-Comin’ Down the Street

To: Radio Flyer Wagons

From: Taylor

Hello,

Memories of my childhood may be fading with each passing day but there is one thing that will always stand out in my memory – being carted around town in a red, Radio Flyer wagon.

I was doing some research on your products as I would like to buy a wagon for my soon to be niece (or nephew!) so that they can also make some great memories. What I found is that your company is based out of Chicago.

I may be grasping at straws here, but I found it odd that a wagon company would come from the same city as a band entitled REO Speedwagon. Does the company have any relation to the band? I have been trying to get in touch with them for years to ask if they will play one of my birthday parties; this is due to the fact that another childhood memory is my first concert – a REO Speedwagon concert!

If you could help to put me in touch with Kevin Cronin or any other members of the band I would really appreciate it – my next birthday is just around the corner!

Thank you and best regards,
Taylor Leddin

_____

To: Taylor

From: Radio Flyer Wagons

Hi Taylor,

Radio Flyer is not affiliated with REO Speedwagon.

Kind regards,

Claudia

 

Chapter 12: Taylor Leddin, Spokesperson

To: Gatorade

From: Taylor

Hello,

Lately I have been thinking about what direction I would like to take my life in. With so many possibilities and so many interests, it is difficult to narrow down a career.

I’ve been told that I have an exceptional sales ability, one person even told me that I could sell ice to an Eskimo. However sitting behind a desk and making cold calls is not exactly my cup of tea.

I thought about the other realms of sales where you are able to interact face-to-face with the consumer. Since the door-to-door industry is pretty much dead and the timeshare game is not something that I can ethically condone, this left me with one, great option – spokesperson!

This led me to my next step in the decision-making-process, for which product should I give my talents? I thought about my good qualities; energetic, delightful, and personable. I then combined this with my athletic prowess it and became very clear – I should speak on behalf of Gatorade.

While I am not a known face in the world of athletics, I think my charismatic personality can make up for that.

Not only can I attest to the fact that Gatorade has gotten me through many workouts and my loved ones through many-a-hangover, I am also a hard worker who will give this product their all.

I personally think that this could be the start to something great – let’s keep in touch!

Thank you and best regards,
Taylor Leddin

_____

To: Taylor
From: Gatorade

Taylor:

We appreciate knowing you’d like to be a part of the Gatorade team!

Gatorade is not a brand that signs many athletes to endorsement contracts or does so lightly. From the time Quaker bought Gatorade in 1983 until 1998, we had only one athlete spokesperson, Michael Jordan. The reason why is simple –when your product is on the sidelines, you get the implied endorsement of the athlete every time they come off the court/field and grab a drink. Additionally when you sign an athlete you are agreeing to link your brand to what the athlete stands for, both the good and the bad. As a result, Gatorade chooses athletes based on:

1) The sport they play. They must play a sport we sponsor.

2) They need to be either a top performer or an athlete with potential to one day be the best and be a fan favorite.

3) They need to be a good person. They need to show up on time for commercial shoots and appearances and know how to represent themselves and our brand off the field with some of our biggest and most important customers.

4) They need to believe in our products and understand how they can help them perform at their best.

I invite you to check out our current athlete endorsers at http://www.gatorade.com/default.aspx#athletelanding.

Thank you, Taylor, for your loyalty to our brand.

Theresa

Gatorade Consumer Relations

 

Chapter 13: Amazon Prime Rainforest 

To: Amazon

From: Taylor

Hello,

Let me start off by saying that I love your site. It is incredible how you can condense so many wonderful and reasonably priced items in one convenient location.

I would assume with the name of your company and the diversity of your products that you are taking note from the Amazon Rainforest and the diversity of the species that live there.

I am personally very concerned about the welfare of the rainforest. With the building of roadways, poor infrastructure, and the over step of humans as a whole, the rainforest is in danger.

I am sure that there are steps you have already taken to help save your inspiration. However is there anything that I can do in order to help. Looking forward to making a difference.

Thank you and best regards,

Taylor Leddin

_____

To: Taylor
From: Amazon

Hello,

I’m following up with the response regarding Amazon rainforest.

We’re not affiliated with Amazon rainforest.

Amazon.com is named after the mighty Amazon River in South America. Just as the Amazon River is the Earth’s largest river, our website offers Earth’s Biggest Selection. At Amazon.com, our customers can choose from millions of different products in a variety of categories.

I hope you enjoy shopping at Amazon.com. We look forward to seeing you again soon.

Did I solve your problem?

Best regards,

Kishore

 

Chapter 14: The Lone Star State

To: Texas State Library
From: Taylor

Howdy,

I’m a type of person who loves traveling, especially to new places. However, I like to know exactly what kind of place I’m going to. I’ve been thinking about vacationing in Texas when I have time off, and was hoping you could answer some questions for me about your great state.

1) Why is it the “Lone Star state?” Does only one celebrity live there? What happens if he or she dies?

2) This may sound silly, but what happens if I forget the Alamo? Is there some sort of charge for not visiting that while I’m there?

Thank you for taking the time to help me.

Regards,

Taylor

P.S. Do you know of a good quilting store? Every time I travel to a new place, I love to make a photo quilt to document the experience.

_____

 

To: Taylor

From: Texas State Library

Your request for information was received by the staff of the Texas State Library and Archives Commission.

According to the Texas Almanac, “Texas is called the Lone Star State because of the design of the state flag:  a broad vertical blue stripe at left centered by a single white star, with horizontal bars of white (uppermost) and red on the right.  Chapter 3100.002 of the Texas Government Code states that “the red, white and blue of the state flag stand, respectively, for bravery, purity and loyalty.”

According to an article on page 54 of the April 1986 issue of Texas Highways, the lone star, in 1835, symbolized that in Texas alone, of all the Mexican territories, the star of liberty was on the rise.  Texas fighters carried a number of lone star flags into battle, including Sarah Dodson’s flag with a star and Joanna Troutman’s flag.

You may be interested in the meaning of the star itself.  According to “The Lone Star Flag of Texas”, an article by Adina de Zavala which appeared in the September 1948 issue of Frontier Times, the five points of the star represent the characteristics of a good citizen.  They are fortitude, loyalty, righteousness, prudence, and broadmindedness.

Although we are very proud of our history, there are no tangible consequences for forgetting the Battle of the Alamo.

You may wish to contact the Texas Association of Quilt Guilds for assistance in finding a quilting store.

http://www.texasassociationofquiltguilds.org/

Or you may wish to conduct a search using your favorite search engine using the terms “Texas” “quilt” and “store”

We hope this information will be helpful to you.

Reference/Documents Staff

Texas State Library and Archives Commission

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